Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
