How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
