i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
