Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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