i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
