FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
