so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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