I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
