Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
