there's paper in my vomit.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
