Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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