I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
