There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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