She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
