Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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