We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
