The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
