I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
