just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
