I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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