dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
