i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
