Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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