i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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