Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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