I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
