Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
