when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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