I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I intend to get homeless drunk
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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