When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
