i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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