I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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