I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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