Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
