i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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