the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
