Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
