i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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