that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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