U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
They took my balls.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
