I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
