I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
