On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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