Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
