i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
