I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
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