My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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