life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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