the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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