Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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