He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
