I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
