"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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