Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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