if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He is an equal opportunity slut.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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